Dating as Shadow Work: Looking for the Beloved

How to learn dating as shadow-work

Let’s redefine dating as the shadow’s search for shelter in another, rather than the ego’s search for the perfect mate. Let’s focus on our inner work, rather than on others.

The divine madness of finding an erotic partner is choreographed by the shadow in its quest to recreate familiar but unconscious feelings that were embedded in childhood as “love.” And so abused children find abusive adult partners; children of alcoholics find adult partners who drink too much; neglected children find neglectful partners. And when the shadow arranges partnerships, it puts us face to face with our unhealed wounds. If you want to learn more about dating, romance and shadow work, read about it here.

Instead, dating offers the opportunity to explore unknown aspects of ourselves, rather than projecting onto another to solve the problem of loneliness. While dating, we can take time to get to know peoples’ gifts and shadows. At the same time we can build internal resources, friendships, and creative inspiration, as we uncover deeper self-knowledge while dating.

Single women and the shadow: fears of being unattractive, unloveable, unacceptable, abandoned. Also fears of losing ambition, autonomy, or the opportunity to have kids.

Single men and the shadow: fears of being committed, used, rejected, overwhelmed, unappreciated, unseen. Also fears of dependency, abandonment, or the fear of having kids.

Sex, money, and power shadows are woven into our unconscious patterns of dating. Some people use sex and money to gain power and avoid attachment or dependency. Others develop codependency and give away sex, money, and power, becoming people pleasers to avoid rejection and abandonment.

Let’s explore dating as shadow work and reimagine what it means to be single, whether you are divorced, widowed, or never partnered.

PROMPTS:

• Who do you pursue? What traits in the beloved will meet your needs?

• Are those unmet childhood needs or valid adult needs?

• Do you feel shame in being single? What do you hide as a result of this?

• If you are single and hopeless about finding love, what shadow character keeps you from being open and authentic?

• If you feel unattractive, what family shadow do you carry into dating?

• If you are sexually obsessed, what deeper feelings lie hidden in this compulsion?

• Who lives in your sexual shadow? How does this character use sex to defend against intimacy?

• How does money affect your choice of partner? What family shadows are hidden there?

As Dr. Connie says in Romancing the Shadow…

"Dating can become a conscious, meaningful process, rather than an unconscious,

seemingly meaningless series of failures. Dating as shadow-work requires a willingness to look within and identify early childhood patterns and shadow characters that influence our attractions and responses to potential partners. Instead of blaming others for not making the grade, or blaming ourselves for a fatal flaw, we can learn to honor the needs of the shadow and follow the call of the Self by risking greater authenticity, seeking real contact, and at the same time protecting our own boundaries. We may find a relationship that nurtures our soul."

— Dr. Connie Zweig, Romancing the Shadow

Note from Keila - Above you will see the latest edition of Romancing the Shadow by Dr. Connie Zweig—a book that has deeply shaped my understanding of shadow work. I'm beyond honored to have written the foreword for this newest edition, which has a refreshed cover and look! This collaboration is a full-circle moment, and I couldn't be more grateful to contribute to such a timeless and transformative work.

With love and gratitude,

Dr. Connie and Keila Shaheen